So, a blonde walks into a library, walks up to the checkout counter and says "Can I have a cheeseburger." The librarian responds 'I'm sorry, this is a library." The blonde looks around, somewhat embarrased and WHISPERS back 'Can I have a cheeseburger?" Okay, so this is less effective through typing, but if it is said out loud its pretty funny.

Sarah Jones's last blog post..improved.

Our pastor told this one from the pulpit to open his sermon on Fathers' Day (LOL):

The storm:

One evening, as Ruth was tucking her son Sam into bed, a flash of lightening lit up the room and a loud clap of thunder soon followed. She hoped Sam wouldn’t react to the storm and was about to turn off the light when Sam asked, in a frightened voice, "Mommy, can you sleep with me tonight?"

Ruth smiled and gave Sam a big comforting hug. "I can't sweetie," she said, "I have to sleep in daddy's room."

After a few seconds of silence, Sam said, in a shaky voice, "The big sissy."

Beth/Mom2TwoVikings's last blog post..Spring Reading Thing wrap up

LOL! Thanks Ladies - this is going to be fun!!
~Eva

So, a ham sandwich walks into a bar. Climbs up on to the barstool, says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, please." Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

I have two and only because they're really the only two jokes I can ever remember!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Why did the one armed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand store.

Why don't blonds like to eat M & Ms?

Because they take too long to peel!

"What has a bottom on its top?"
"Your legs!"

I figure this is tasteful b/c it was told to me by my seven-year old daughter, even though it refers to the gluteus maximus.

Big Trouble
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning and the older 10 year old boy was to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.

His older brother followed him to the closet and asked, wide-eyed, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time … GOD is missing – and they think we did it!"

This seemed very naughty to me in the third grade when I first heard it, but I think it falls into the tasteful category as an adult. Well, tasteful depending on how funny you find it! I still find it hysterical, and I'm 33…

What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?

I'm a weiner, I'm a weiner!!!

*Pillar Interruption*

The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

My five year olds favorite joke:

Where does Batman go potty?

The Bat-room, silly!

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be called bay-gulls (bagels).

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburettor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans!

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

…Because They Have Big Fingers!

The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.

“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”

[…] a contest! All you need to do is type up a funny joke (clean and tasteful!) in the comments of their contest post, and you could win a $100 gift certificate for Stacks & Stacks (and other nifty […]

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?

At Baa Baa shops! (barber shops)

I also blogged about your contest here: http://www.clutter-cubed.com/2008/06/27/this-week-in-the-blogosphere/
Thanks for two entries! ^_^

Caitlin @ C³'s last blog post..This Week in the Blogosphere

A man sitting alone at the bar notices there is a mushroom sitting at a table and he's surrounded by gorgeous women. The man says to the bartender, "Why does HE get all the girls?". The bartender replied, "He's a fun-guy (fungi)!!"

Brooke's last blog post..The Tree Trimmers Came - June 26, 2008

I see there's lots of grade school humor here; my favorite kind!

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

Claire Tompkins's last blog post..Procrastination Strategies

THESE ARE ALL SO CUTE!!!

These are hilarious!

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!

Jokes are great!!!!!!!

Q. - Where does an astronaut get money in space?

A. - At Starbucks!

My son made this one up…

Gabriela's last blog post..15 hours and counting!

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "I am sorry we do not serve your kind." The mushroom replies "Why? I'm a fungi?"

Two olives are sitting on a table. One rolls off the table onto the floor. The olive that is still on the table looks over the edge and asks "are you alright?"! The olive on the floor says "olive". (best said out loud, as olive sounds like i'll live).
Aimee's last blog post..Favorite Spaces Sunday

so, what does the dog say when he sits on sandpaper?

'ruff, ruff"

I couldnt think of a joke but heres a real story thats funny,my exhusband was always the smartest kid,one night he thought the needed the product exlax,ill not say what for,so I told him to take a square,mmmm,welllllllllll,we all know they come in about 20 little squares,he ate the whole big square!needless to say,he was up all night an was lying in the bathroom floor in the fetal position with only air coming thru,I on the other hand was lying in the other room on the floor laughing so hard I couldnt get up,I know,but a grown man should read the directions,an it ended up being my fault cause I told him to eat a square,lol,that made it even funnier,I guess you just had to be there,its been 30 yrs ago an its still funny

Why did the mother give her son yeast and shoe polish?……..
(are you ready?0

She wanted him to "rise" and "shine"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Q: Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

A: Fo'drizzle! (get it? for drizzle! haha)

Why is math always sad?
Because it has too many problems.

Ok, so its not the greatest, but its cute and clean!

What do you call a cow that barks?
Bilingual

You don't know how badly I'd love to win that gift certificate…I am addicted to organizing my home…it's a bit scary.

Here's my joke

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

Kathleen's last blog post..Kick the Bucket with The Apron Queen

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children…"

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly,

"Good morning, son."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?"

"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

I posted about your contest here:
http://aprilandrandy.com/2008/07/03/clean-joke-contest/

Thanks, April! Cute joke.

Sorry about your lola.

~Eva

I can't tell a joke to save my life, I always blow the punch line so I had to borrow one because I soooo want to win any of these great prizes.

Here goes:

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Our family's favorite joke:

A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't sell grapes." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday. This is a bar and we don't sell grapes."

The following day, the duck returns and asks,"Got any grapes?" The bartender loses it. He grabs the duck by the neck, and yells, "I already told you twice! This is a bar! I don't have any grapes! If you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" Surprised, the bartender replies, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "OK, then. Got any grapes?"

Anne G's last blog post..Recipe: Philly Cheese "Steaks"

Aahh! One of my favorites, too!

Thanks!

A man and a woman were on vacation and the guy had been fishing. Since he wanted to eat the fish he caught he told the woman to clean the fish. After a while since he was hungry he asked the woman if she was done cleaning the fish. The woman replied that they were old enough to clean theirselves so she put them back in the water so that they could clean theirselves. Bye, bye Fish.

I recently went on a shopping trip downtown with my friend. While riding the bus on our way back home it stopped and let a drunk man get on.

I new he was drunk because he could hardly walk up the aisle, he was staggering so much. Guess where he sat down? Right next to my friend. Unfortunately, my friend is not very tactful.

"I've got news for you" she said as she looked him up and down.

"You're going straight to hell!"

All of a sudden the man started, then jumped up out of his seat shouting, "I'm on the wrong bus!"

Ginny's last blog post..My baby girl turns 7 today!

people in my family are ALWAYS telling this joke, i think it's the only joke they know, haha!

Cousin Ignotz came to America knowing no English at all, Uncle Joe taught him four words to order food in a restaurant. Ignotz entered a diner, and said trembling. “Apple-a pie an’ coffee.” Without a word, the waitress filled his order. “It works!” marveled Angelo.

However, after a week of the apple pie and coffee, he went back to Joe to learn something new. The next day Ignotz went to the diner to try his new phrase. “Ham sandwich and coffee.”

Waitress: May I help you?

Angelo: (slowly) Ham-a…sandwich-a…an; coffee.

Waitress: Yes, Sir. On white or on rye?

Angelo: (turning pale) Eh?

Waitress: I said, would you like that on white or rye bread?

Angelo: (throwing up his hands) Eh! Apple-a pie an’ coffee!

When they get together that's the only thing they talk about!

A mosquito fell in a glass of wine, and when it could get out it and fly, it shouted: Maaake some rooom foooor da EAGLE!
[It drank too much wine, it messed with its brain!]

What do the submarine and Windows have in common?
As soon as you open a Window, it sinks!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.